| "My
only real goal in life, as a young girl,
was to have a family. A large family.
Perhaps this was rather a naïve and
romantic fantasy - nurtured by stories of
family fun and laughter, of caring and
loving and being loved. For when it came
to actually having a family, I soon learnt
that family life was anything but easy. It
means hard word and endless commitments.
It was demanding and challenging, and a
daily grind.
Tired, I tended to snap at my boys
Two cute little boys filled my days.
James, at three, was a cheerful and
inquisitive child, who exhausted me with
his questions, his energy and his penchant
for doing the things that little boys do,
like scraping his knees and falling off
beds and bumping his head, playing with
match sticks, and so on. John was a more
placid baby but equally demanding of my
time and attention. Sometimes I felt so
stretched and tired that I would snap at
them even as the day was starting. My tone
of voice became harsh and unloving.
Picking up negative vibes from me, the
children too would become bad-tempered,
petulant and sullen.
Surely this was not how mothering and
family life was meant to be.
My words weren't reflecting God's
warmth
With a heavy heart I also realized that
the children's first impressions of God as
a Parent were picked up from me. Some of
my words and tone of voice did not reflect
the love and warmth that God as Father
uses toward His children. Jesus gave us
the golden rule, "Do to others as you
would have them do to you." I
expected the children to be sweet to me,
to be loving and smiling and full of hugs
and kisses. This rule defined that I
should treat them the way I wanted them to
treat me. It occurred to me that children
were also people, even though they were
only little people, and that Jesus' rule
included them, too.
What my radio background taught me
As a radio broadcaster I was aware of
how important tone and inflection of voice
were, and paid special attention to how
certain phrases were said, practicing to
get them to sound just right. I realized
that if the way I spoke and sounded
mattered so much where other people were
concerned, then it should matter even more
where my own children were concerned. I
started to deliberately watch my words and
my tone of voice and began to notice the
change, both in me, and in the boys. Words
of encouragement replaced reproaches;
words of endearment were used instead of
the usual snubs. The more gentle and
tender my voice was, the more the boys
became open and loving with their language
too.
Many a family's harmony is ruined by
harsh, unkind words and dehumanizing
language. I was lucky to learn this lesson
while my children were still young. All
through their childhood things were fine.
New lessons for the teen years
However, just as they were entering
their teens, the language problem started
again. It seemed that every sentence was
punctuated with a negative, hurtful word.
Once in desperation, I laid down a
rule. I would only answer them if they
addressed me as "amma (the Indian
equivalent of "Mommy")
darling." Through gritted teeth and
in a voice laced heavily with sarcasm,
Jamie would say, "amma darling, can I
go out?" Then the funny side took
over and we all realized how ridiculous we
were being.
As a family we learnt the power of
words to heal and encourage and to bring
laughter. Love doesn't come from rules,
but from the heart, and more so from
loving words.
Usha Jesudasan lives with her three
children in Katpadi, Tamil Nadu, India.
She is a freelancer who writes about
Christian principles in the secular press. |
