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Parents everywhere are distressed by an epidemic raging out of control. It begins when kids are as young as three and only grows worse through the teen years. Like any epidemic, it travels contagiously from one child to the next. The epidemic? Mouthy kids who talk back and act downright rude and defiant.

It's not so much what kids are saying that's inappropriate, but how they're saying it. So it's up to parents to teach children that while it's good to offer their point of view, it should be offered without a surly tone of voice or insult. "I hate McDonald's. I'm not going" is very different from "I really like Burger King better than McDonald's. Could we please go there instead?" Both comments render an opinion, the first mouthy, the second polite.

If that mouthy talk sounds all too familiar, read on for some parenting pointers and expert techniques that can end the epidemic in your home.

THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Only a couple of generations ago, children never thought of mouthing off. So how did it happen that children went from being seen and not heard, to talking back as a matter of habit?

According to Ronald Dahl, professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, "It's because parents of generations past didn't tolerate back talk in any way. If a child mouthed off, he was punished immediately."

Today, parents often respond to back talk with what Dr. Dahl calls intermittent reinforcement, when a parent occasionally gives in to a child's disrespectful demands. This only increases the likelihood that insolent comments will continue.

THE PROBLEM WITH GIVING IN

You decide to chose another dress for your seven-year-old to wear because she screamed, "You can't make me wear that dress, get away!" When you do, you can almost guarantee that her response will once again be negative. It's not wrong to help her find another dress, just don't do so until she uses a more pleasant tone of voice and more respectful language.

Why is it so difficult for parents to stop their child and say, "There is a nice way to say that. Please try again"? For two reasons, says Dr. Dahl:

1) Parents today are too busy. It's easier to just find another dress.

2) Many parents today will do almost anything to keep their children from experiencing discomfort.

Rather than frustrating the child by expecting her to express her needs respectfully, parents often give in to avoid a fuss, but are left feeling bullied and powerless. Meanwhile children develop impolite speech patterns that are hard to change. When you allow your children to speak uncontrollably, you do them a disservice.

Part of your role as a parent, after all, is to set firm limits and serve as a good example. In doing so, remember the following pointers:

• Make it known which topics are open for negotiation and which aren't. Hear your child out, but have the confidence to say no. Then hold to it even if your "no" flares your child's temper.

• There's no reason to try to convince your child of your point of view. Explain your reasons once but don't go on and on thinking your child will eventually say, "Oh, I understand since you explained it so well, Mom. No problem, I get it."

• You must model respectful language yourself. If you stand hands on hips, finger pointed at your three-year-old while saying, "Get your coat on right now, young man," you can be sure that your preschooler will try out this same communication technique sometime. The rule is simple: Speak to your children as you expect them to speak to you. And it's not only your words. Watch your body language and tone of voice as well.

You can teach your children to voice their point of view respectfully, but it takes work and determination on your part. Keep in mind that you, your child, and society all benefit when children learn to communicate effectively with consideration for you and others.

Below are options for you to use when your children exhibit disrespect. Work to incorporate a variety of responses into your parenting repertoire, keeping in mind this goal: You want your children to learn to express their opinion, but in a way that's courteous and includes a pleasant tone of voice. But be realistic; you're teaching communication skills that take years to refine.

BLUNT TALK

When your three-year-old is too blunt ("These potatoes are icky, Grandma. They're making me sick!" accompanied by gagging sounds), use these two tricks to teach your child polite language:

1. Rather than reprimand your toddler, express to Grandma what he has said, but appropriately, without insult: "Sam doesn't care for potatoes, but he loves your fruit salad."

2. On the way to Grandma's next time, help Sam practice ways he can decline certain foods gracefully without being rude: "No, thank you, Grandma. I don't care for mashed potatoes."

DEFIANCE

When your five-year-old blurts out, "I'm not going to Grandma's. It's boring there, and you can't make me," respond with either:

1. "Go ahead and tell me you don't want to go to Grandma's, but please say it in a nicer way," or

2. "Please don't talk that way to me. Say this instead: 'I really don't like going to Grandma's. There's nothing for me to do.'" Here you provide the child with the actual words to express herself in a more acceptable way. Then suggest, "Maybe you can take a friend along or watch a video there."

COMPLAINTS

When you hear this from your eight-year-old, "Doing the dishes is no fair. What am I, your slave?" come back with either:

1. "Talking like that is rude and disrespectful. In this family we don't talk like that," or

2. "This conversation is over for me. I'm willing to talk to you, but when you're out of control, I'm finished." Then turn and walk away.

Realize it does no good to shout back, "Don't you ever talk that way to me." Screaming matches serve no purpose. When your child quiets himself and you're calm, all you need to say is, "I know it seems unfair, but in this family we all take turns helping. Your favorite TV program is on tonight, but the TV won't go on until the dishes are done." Don't argue further. The child has a choice to make. Let him make it.